.acceptance part I: when reality sets in

.acceptance part I: when reality sets in - originally written February 2, 2021

As humans, we see other people, opportunities, romance, and everything in between, through our own set of eyes. In our relationships, we can listen to how someone’s eyes have been shaped, in an effort to understand them. We can empathize with other people’s sets of eyes too! But in all those actions can we ever fully know what it means when someone justifies their actions through their set of eyes?  

Before we go any further, let’s do a visualization exercise (I know, I’m so corny and nerdy, just do it). Now, I want you to hold out the palms of your hands as if you were holding your set of eyes, but now they are made of clay. Imagine how all of your life’s experiences have shaped, crushed, shifted, split, and put back together your clay eyes. Now did you choose how your set of eyes were shaped? Take a moment to reflect on whether or not you told yourself, “X experience is going to shape, shift, or split my set of eyes”. And genuinely, sometimes the answer may be yes, sometimes no.

As a human being, you (rather, we) have no control over taking someone else’s set of “clay eyes” and shaping them, nor seeing through them. We don’t even have the ability to decide what experiences will shape our own sometimes, only high powers do (in many belief systems, this would be God).

Okay so why did we even do that? In my personal experience, I have had many hard times and heartbreaks due to not accepting people for who they were. Instead, I judged them; “You cheated on me so you’re anything” “She didn’t tell me her deepest, darkest secret, so she’s unloyal”. But wait, I want to extend grace because this is a human reaction that is emotional and comes from our ego. We all have an ego, therefore we all have emotions, so this is not far fetched. BUT, this judgment is a reaction to reality slapping us in the face. Our brain is like, “Oh snap! Expectations crushed, people are not perfect, reality is real and it is here to stay.” And instead of taking a moment to pause, the moment following this judgment, we vocalize our reaction to the other person in many different ways (i.e. an exchange of words out of spite, it could even get physical, etc.)

Now let’s backtrack - instead of vocalizing our reaction towards that person in the immediate moment after, we have another choice. We can catch our judgment and instead practice acceptance. Acceptance looks like this - “This person is neither good nor bad, it is what they chose in that moment based on their lived experience/set of eyes.” This acceptance will make it more efficient to make your next choice on how to move forward, and even extend grace in a way where you can guard your heart, and show yourself you love yourself and have your back. 

Oftentimes when people do things to us, it is because they are acting out of their subconscious lived experience (set of eyes) which has nothing to do with us. They may believe in that moment they were right and they have every right to believe that, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow it in your relationships. Once you accept you can make a productive decision, instead of roasting that person which does nothing, and ask yourself certain questions like, “Is this a repeated pattern with this relationship? Is it time to let this person go? I know they are working through unexpected trauma so maybe I should extend grace and vocalize how that made me feel?” Whatever you choose to do after, you will save yourself extensive energy (and time that you can’t get back) practicing acceptance over the unproductive act of judging that person’s actions. And the reason I use the word “unproductive” is because we cannot change how people navigate this world based on their set of eyes and what they believe is right and wrong about their actions; we can only allow them to show us what that looks like through their actions and act accordingly. Using this equation, you will find yourself in many less false expectations and disappointments.